A cold heart

I do not care about you at all. It seems annoying at first, but I show no emotions towards you anymore. As time passed by, I do not check whether you read my messages. I do not worry where you have been, what have you been thinking nor if you have been taking care of yourself. I suddenly made up my mind that we are both separate individuals – not one like we used to be. The pictures of us on the walls, the sweet long love letters, the stuffed toys we named after each other are all scattered away. And I do not feel bothered to pick them up anymore. I speak of you no more. I am slowly gaining confidence and I picked myself up from the fall. I am gently spreading my wings to fly for another time.

Again, I felt sick in my gut at first. Finally, an abrupt light from the dreary pit brought me where I am now. I can say with all my might, I do not wish to see or hear from you any longer. I do not desire of you. It is bad as it is. But you know, what is worse? My cold heart is a wax candle that scorches because yours? It is the coldest.

Maybe

For a long time, I was not able to write the stirred emotions inside. I mean, I can… The title is here, the whole text is next, but the ending is always incomplete.

The writing was my passion. I put tons of effort into it because I knew, someone would read it. I disbursed time in finding accurate words to fill in the emotions I wanted my readers to feel as I wrote. I wanted to allow them to be consumed by the fire that burned within, just using the words I picked. I wanted them to picture out the whimsical background when the main characters meet halfway or the endless blackness of the pain the lead is having.

However, the ending was still lost just like me. Could we call a story a story without its ending? Could we just shirk the last part to make it happier? Or maybe? Maybe it was all wrong right from the start to bottom.

Welcome to my mind!

There is so much stuff on the Internet telling me every single person must have a partner.

Baby

Boo

Mine

Darling

Honey

Yep, whatever you call your partner. Boo! Screw whoever thinks this way.

My mind keeps babbling as to how much I hate the fact that, unlike everyone, I don’t have someone to take care of me, send me sweet messages in the morning and before going to bed, post my face on his “My day”, hold my hands, take pictures of me, or simply be with me.

I am Yana, short for Miryanah. Welcome to my mind.

With a disclaimer: this is not a love story.

Chapter 1 Senior High School

What does a senior high school student love more than her friends, concealer and lipstick, a little bit of study time, and romantic dates?

School bells ringing.

After split seconds, SHS students grabbed their things and enjoyed talking to their companions. Everyone had their moments.

I looked around and the corridors were filled with girls with their boys. As I roamed, I looked away and held my glasses perched on my nose.

What normal scenes probably arise in this situation?

A. I will bump into someone who smells so nice like ooohhh with the whimsical background all over
B. I will slip and a masculine hand will try to catch me. Wield my back, look into my eyes, and whisper, “are you okay?”

Well… I normally passed by the corridor without anything “romantic” happen and I sighed.

As the classes ran by, I started to think I was outdated of everything. And by everything, I meant fashion, beauty, intellect, and so on.

“What is the plural of the word, ‘laundry?” Fernandez? asked my English teacher.

She lowered her head because it was entirely obvious, I was in my space thinking of what type of clothes would fit my fair skin, my curvy body, and thick hips.

“Is everything okay?” she insisted.

No!!! My everything is ruined!! Look how ugly duckling I am!! And that is because of you!! You have never loved me for who I am!!”

My lips quivered when I saw what was happening. It seemed that I shouted all the ideas I was just pondering on. That left Ms. Carpio, a young and dedicated teacher frustrated. I saw her world melted down like when you press the half-full toothpaste tube and it made a bizarre sound when it comes out.

The incident was followed by the laughter of my classmates and it echoed in my ears. What have you done?

I mumbled, “May I go to the washroom?” I didn’t wait for her to respond. I rushed my way on the corridors and straight away open the doors of the comfort rooms.

What did I do? What did I do? Oh, no. They say “respond not react”. I can do this. But.. What can I do? What should I do? Wait. What did I say there? Did I say everything? Did I say “I am ugly”? Oh no.

My classmates’ faces were flashing through my memory and they were already mocking me. The more I could see their faces the more they joyfully teaming on me.

AAAAAHHHH UGLY DUCKLING!

How stupid can I be?!!

My insecurity levels were fueled that moment, thus, another encounter of my idiocracy was not welcome anymore.

I stood up from being dumped in the corner of the hall. I narrowed my brows and my palms formed fists. I couldn’t let anyone behold me like this.

Like what?

Like this! I said it loud again.

A gush of wind flushed and suddenly, my hair was twirled. I did not even know if it made my cheeks rosy cheeks to, but it was.

How to earn money from home?

It is a clichΓ© but teaching is really a passion. Yes, passion. It is a robust word with a gentle touch in it. Some people may be brilliant and Einstein-like but cannot really teach. Some may be patient, funny, organized, but cannot pass knowledge to others. This list can roll on and we can all agree that, indeed, teaching is a passion.

I have been teaching English for a total of nine years-switching off from online companies to private schools. Last April, I stepped down as an English teacher in a private school in Pasig City, which is in Manila, Philippines. There is a bunch of reasons why I did, but the top was looking after my son who is turning three years.

I decided between applying for a home-based part-time English tutor job position or for another school that is higher than my previous school. The latter won. My husband told me that it was a great choice and he, as well, joined me in the decision-making.

Up until now, my great career is teaching online. It is not so much fun compared to classroom teaching, however, it will give you lots of experience. And with that, we know that experience can teach you a lot.

If you want to join me, just message me or comment below.

APOY πŸ”₯

Sa hindi malaman na kadahilanan, namatay na ang apoy na minsa’y kinatakutan, kinamuhian at kinalaban. Nagsilbing aral paminsan sa aking isipan ang matinding dulot ng apoy na kinabaliwan. Maraming agam-agam, maraming pakiramdam na sa isip na lang dinamdam. Marami man ang tunay na nakakaalam, hindi lahat naunawaan ang mga tulad naming nasunugan.

Sa musmos kong isipan, pilit kong tinatama ang mga maling nakikita. Pilit kong tinatakpan mga taingang sigaw at mura ang naririnig. Pilit kong iniiyak ang mga salitang hindi mabanggit. Hanggang sa dumating na lang sa isa na lang nakasanayan. Nakasanayan na na nasusunog ka habang nabubuhay, ngumiti habang init ay nararamdaman, tumawa habang balat mo’y nalalabnos na. Sa kabila nito, lahat ng daliri ng iba ay nakaturo pa rin sa’yo.

Patay na ang apoy. Bakit hindi pa rin masaya? Bakit hindi pa rin ganap ang ngiti at tawa?

Mundane

I got up yesterday with the same things on my head – a twenty-minute class to attend at eight in the morning.

I rushed as I combed my hair in front of the mirror. I was wishing every day would change. This pandemic outrages my inner being! I am at home and working at home for two fruitful years. The same every day, why change the names of the days if the routine is just the same old stuff?

My mind was bluffing more of the identical complaints I make, hence, something I saw on my hair popped up the fusses. A STRAND OF WHITE HAIR. I just could not believe what I saw. It was shiny among the others, flaunting like it wanted me to pull it out and I did.

Still examining it, with my eyebrows closed with each other and my eyes surely focused on the strand, I thought that I was ageing.

The youngest of five children, the “little child (bulinggit)” they call is ageing. Jeepney drivers offered me student fare and mostly my students just treat me as a friend, but that day, I was ageing.

I must admit I had a big flash of memories from my childhood to last year at that very moment and smiled. I let that smile frost on my mind. My reflection was smiling. I loved how it gleamed at me. It reminded me that this mundane was not easy, and I have been living my every day and I must make the most of my days.

Who knows how and when it ends?

Filipino Language Lesson #1

Mabuhay! πŸ‘‹πŸ‡΅πŸ‡­ I am Angeline, and I am a proud native Filipino. This blog is for Filipino language beginners.

I have been an English teacher for 8 fruitful years, but never have I imagined I will be much happier to teach my native tongue.

Many foreigners would like to learn our national language for a myriad of reasons, so I would like to share with you some basic conversational speaking skill you must possess.

Here are some reminders when you are learning this with me:

1. If you are anxious about the wrong pronunciation, worry no more! In Filipino language, we do not have unstressed vowels unlike in English. Hence, you can read the syllables as clear as you can. Like strong R in Spanish? Yep! It sounds strange in some places, but still acceptable.

2. We do not have long vowel sounds compared again to the international language. The a,e,i,o,u are pronounced as is.

3. Pronunciation guide will be given for words with many syllables in this structure. Let us say, the word, “Filipino”, it would be: /fi li PI no/. The rest is kung ano ang sulat s’ya ang basa (however it was written, it’s how you pronounce it) unlike Korean.

By the way, I majored English when I was a university student, thus, having some clarifications or comments will be very appreciated. πŸ˜„

In this mini-lesson, you will learn ❣️ how to introduce your name and ❣️ tell where you live in.

Let us begin! πŸ‘

Lesson 1: Nagagalak akong makilala ka! (Nice to meet you!)

To break it down for you: Nagagalak (happy) akong (I with a participle) makilala (meet) ka (you second pronoun).

For pronunciation, here is the guide: /na ga GA lak/ /a KONG/ /ma KI la LA/ /ka/.

Are you following?

1. Vocabulary 1

Ako si Sarah Gomez. Taga Pilipinas ako.

Above is an example of an introduction in Filipino. Here is how it is translated:

Ako means I, and si is a personal marker.

Taga is an introduction to where the person is from.

Let us practice the pronunciation: Ako /a KO/ si ..(state your name)

Taga /ta GA/ (state your country) ako /a KO/

Great!

2. Dialogue 1.

Let us read the dialogue for a sample.

πŸ‘©β€πŸ« Hi.

πŸ§‘ Hello.

πŸ‘©β€πŸ« Anong pangalan mo? (What is your name?) /aNONG paNGAlan MO?)

πŸ§‘ Ako si Martin dela Cruz. (I am Martin dela Cruz.)

πŸ‘©β€πŸ« Taga saan ka? (Where are you from?)

πŸ§‘ Taga Italya ako. (I am from Italy.)

πŸ‘©β€πŸ« Salamat. Hanggang sa muli. Thanks. ‘Till next time!

3. Exercise.

Let us answer the following questions based on the picture.

πŸ§‘ Hi.

πŸ™‹β€β™€οΈ Hello.

πŸ§‘ Anong pangalan mo?

πŸ™‹β€β™€οΈ ___________________

πŸ§‘ Taga saan ka?

πŸ™‹β€β™€οΈ ___________________

A piece of cake, isn’t it? Now let us have more ways on how to introduce yourself in Filipino.

4. Vocabulary 2

Here is the explanation:

Ang is The, ko is my, apelyido is surname and Pilipino is Filipino.

Can you now read one more time?

/ANG pa NGA lan KO ay BEN./ /ANG a pel YI do KO ay CRUZ./ /PI li PI no a KO/

5. Dialogue 2

Let us read another dialogue. Be sure to follow the correct syllable stress guide to sound like natural.

Great! Now can you answer the following questions based on the picture?

πŸ™‹ Anong pangalan mo?

πŸ™‹πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ_______________

πŸ™‹Taga saan ka?

πŸ™‹πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ ______________

An open letter to HR Dept (1)

I am an applicant who’s here today

Regrets if my hair seems to not array

Hurriedly went here – “the first impression lasts”

Ignoring the butterflies that may blast

Apologies if I got misinformed

To bring something, – Oh, I must be atoned

Oh, sorry if I keep saying sorry

Please don’t think I am goofy and sappy

I came here with my curriculum vitae

It was neat yet marred with anxiety

Small talk to you is a big leap for me

Self – Esteem

I often question my sanity, dreams, my talents, and skills, capabilities, – my overall self. I am 28 years old but still got no answer to it even a detail.

Way back in Elementary days, I was included in section one of a public school in a well-known city. That was a great honor here in the Philippines. Little they do know that, to be honest, it was a cross to bear. It was a hot seat to be there. Teachers pressure pupils to be timid most of the time, to be a participant in every class discussion with advanced lessons, to be role models. And of course, as the school year ended, I finished as the last person in the rank. Frankly, I do not remember I did homework at home, hence, I recall how many times I recited in the discussions. I got ten from first grade to fifth grade. That is how good I was.

In the fifth grade, I was notified by my best friend that our new adviser did not want me and she did not expound why. I got all the reasons to be hated though. Anyone can identify me from others because I was (If I was to be asked) the only one who had messed uniform, unbrushed hair, uncleaned nails, and so on -the ugly duckling in other words. So when the academic year was finished, I was told by the adviser that I would be transferred in section two in the next school year. It was all my fault, I know. At home, nobody was there for me to help me with my projects. I could not do any academic things on my own. When I covered my books with plastic cover, it was unpleasant to see. I was always late in passing projects due to forgetting I had projects to pass. I was and still am awful.

The calvary got more intriguing when I was in the sixth grade. The pupils in the second section got me bullied and I was forced to cut class one day. Unfortunately and fortunately, I was caught immediately. By this, my mother had to change my school.

We all know that high school would always be remembered with all of the emotional memories we made. (Yes, I am referring to firsts). High school got me so thrilled to the bones. I got my first boyfriend, first heartbreak, first kiss, and first serious case. I did believe the people who said they love me. Taylor Swift is totally accurate.

Until I went to college, I was with my ex-boyfriend. Just to make the long story short, he cheated on me. I was oh so paranoid. I think I got so many post-traumatic experiences that I do not like to mention. My life went on with a new boyfriend – a perfect blend to join another heartbreak.

The year 2016, I got married and got a son until today, I do not have any self-love.

I realized that Self-Love cannot be produced by giving out your whole heart to others, instead, giving a little space for your own and bringing the best for yourself alone.